Today we’re going to try something a little different. You’ve probably heard of Brene Brown. Her work on shame is so good, I’ve posted it above for us to listen to. Let me recommend that you set aside 20 minutes to do so and then comment on what she shares about shame below.
 
Shame is usually a secondary hurt, not a primary one. Something terrible happens that hurts us deeply. And then, compounding the hurt, we feel shame.
 
We can get guilt and shame confused. Guilt is feeling bad about something you did. Shame is feeling that you are bad as a person. Something is wrong with who you are.
 
Brown makes the following distinction in her video about what each says. 
 
She says that there is a shame epidemic in our culture. 
 
So many young people live in shame
 
What she couldn’t bury and didn’t know how to deal with was the feeling of shame that dogged her as a teenager. She felt somehow responsible for what happened. She felt dirty and diminished for it.  Her relationships with guys seemed awkward. To gain control of the situation and help cope with her feelings, she medicated herself by overeating and then purging.  This turned into a disorder and compounded her feelings – she hated who she was becoming.
 
Susan may think she’s unique but her situation is much more common than she realizes. 
 
Remember Amie Gallegos? She was a racer who was tired of the secrets and tired of the shame. Her life was full of wreckage that she had tried to hide. The effort exhausted her, so she decided to just open up and share all the shameful secrets from her past. The result is such an incredible work of vulnerability, it’s jaw dropping. Read it here.

Uncover the Lies

The insidious thing about shame is that it opens the door for lies to take root and assert control.  Here are some of the more common ones:

1. LIE: “I am responsible for what happened.”
        TRUTH: “I needed protection, and that was taken advantage of.”
2. LIE: “I’m a failure and unworthy of being loved.
       TRUTH: “I wasn’t the one who failed and I still need the love of others.”
3. LIE: “I shouldn’t talk about what happened.”

       TRUTH: “By sharing what happened, I realize I’m not alone and other people struggle with the same things.
Because we humans mess up with regularity, we have to develop coping mechanisms.  But the only way to truly come to peace is to embrace the truth.  If you’ve been dancing with shame, maybe it’s time to stop.  You don’t deserve the torment; and change is possible. 
 
Ultimately, God has a redemptive purpose for even the most hurtful of experiences. When we feel shame it can help us see the hurt and ultimately lead us to a place of healing.  Shame tells you that something is out of alignment in the moral universe. 
 
It’s an alarm bell ringing.  But once it has done its work, it must be turned off.  Only then can the deeper work of healing begin.
 
Application
 
So, what can someone locked in a place of deep shame do about it? Here are some steps you can take to find peace:
  • Find safe relationships to share your stuff. We have that here.
  • Choose someone in the group. Empathize with them as you have in the past.
  • In some way bless them. They have been vulnerable. They are much stronger than they may know for having been weak. Encourage them in their journey out of shame and into a place of grace.